I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
