dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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