got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
