I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
