alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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