matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
