I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
