and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
