We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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