These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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