The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
