Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
