Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
