she told me i tasted like america
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
