I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
