I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
And then my night got REAL pukey
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
