I looked at my own cervix.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
