Banned from zoo.
Again?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
