Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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