I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
