You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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