I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Found your dick twin last night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
