Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize