If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize