Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
