It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
