When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
