So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
