I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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