my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
