the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
