I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
