The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
