"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
