i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
