the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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