Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
