I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
