You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
