Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
