could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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