you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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