update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
