my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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