I am in a vortex of obligation.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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