I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
