fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
