I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize