i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just googled if crying burns calories
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
