Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
