I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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