You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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