i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
