It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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