Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize