Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
