I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Drunk is not a location!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
